Blame It On The Dysfunctional Relationships
by seek-to-enchant121584
Summary: A little alternative take on the episode Blame It On The Alcohol. Remember how Blaine wakes up in Kurt's bed? Well, another boy wakes up not quite as platonically in Rachel's. Sam/Rachel
1. Chapter 1

**Author's note**: My alternative take on the "Blame it on the alcohol" episode. I'm saying up front, I just had to get this out of my system. You might be a tad surprised, considering how straight-up Puckelberry I've been pretty much since the beginning. I have to thank Tarafina for introducing me to EvanBerry. I read a few of her Sam/Rachel stories in a fit of curiosity and after I did, I was like, (head cocked in confusion) "What? Wait...that actually kind of works." So, here you go. Hope you enjoy!

**Music suggestions**: 'We are young' by Glee Cast, 'Houses' by Great Northern, 'Live like there's no tomorrow' by Selena Gomez & the Scene, '4 real' by Avril Lavigne. (But if you're the type to listen to a song over and over again for hours just because it feels right, or if you ever even listen to _any_ of my genius suggestions, lol...I recommend you listen to the first one by itself when you read this)

**Disclaimer**: Don't own Glee.

Blame It On The Dysfunctional Relationships

Rachel awoke slowly some time Sunday morning to the sun shining weakly through her bedroom window. Cracking her eyes open into slits, the clock on her bedside table read 11:36 AM. Once the mystery of time processed itself in her brain, her eyelids fell shut once again in self-preservation.

Her head throbbed dully and she had an...interesting taste in her mouth. Not entirely unpleasant, but certainly not her norm. Snuggling her nose deeper into her pillow and away from the offensive light, Rachel came to realize that she wasn't alone in her bed. A hand, that most definitely did _not_ belong to her, was up her sleep-shirt, clenched tightly between her breasts. Also, the hard, most definitely male, body behind her was pressed up close enough to her that she could feel_ everything_ about him. Especially _lower_ parts of him.

With an almost dizzying burst of clarity, she recalled just _who_ was snuggled up with her in her bed. Naked, she might add.

Her faced burned bright red and she bit into her closed fist as a memory surfaced in her mind...

_Laying face to face on her bed, taking a momentary breather from the flurry of lips, tongue and teeth for the past ten straight minutes, he brushed her hair from her face and smiled a relaxed, easy smile. Hand on her hip, skirt of her constrictive dress bunched up in his hand past her knees, his eyes ducked away from hers for a moment before he looked back up at her with a shy, yet determined expression._

"_Can I go down on you?" He asked in a gentle tone, his eyes searching hers for permission._

_She'd hesitated for a fraction of a second before she realized that the answer was going to be yes. Nodding her head, she then parted her legs slightly and pushed him down in the appropriate direction._

"_These Aerosmith lips belong only to me and they'll go wherever I damn well want them to go." Sam muttered defiantly with an entirely too focused expression, one corner of his mouth quirked up wickedly before swooping in and attaching his mouth to her most intimate place._

_His tongue was on her..._inside_ her, making her claw at the sheets desperately and her thighs clench around Sam's mop of disheveled blond hair as he brought forth sounds she didn't know she was capable of emitting._

_Her first orgasm was rocketing through her an impressive one-minute and thirty-five seconds later. That was an estimation, mind you. At the time, she'd been kind of preoccupied with the thrilling experience of having a man giving her oral for the first time._

She'd let Sam Evans give her oral. Along with a few other very intimate acts. And while he claimed to have never done anything like that with either Quinn or Santana, or any other girl for that matter, he sure did have a natural talent that most men could never claim to have. Even after many sessions of performing the act.

Rachel shifted enough to eye him over her shoulder.

"Sam." Rachel said in a coaxing, yet firm tone.

"Just five more minutes, _lor 'aw_, then we can go again." Sam promised in a sleepy tone, gathering Rachel in closer to his chest.

She had to admit, she almost (alright, so there was no _almost_ about it) smiled at his adorable tone and casual mix-in of what had to be that Avatar language Na'vi she'd heard Santana complaining about to Brittany the week before.

"Sam," Rachel said again, adding a little more force to her tone. "I must insist that you wake up and kindly remove your hands from my person this instant."

She could almost hear the frown that formed on his countenance as he began to reluctantly stir.

A surprised gasp of pain escaped unbidden when his left hand closed over her right breast and squeezed possessively. Apparently, he'd favored _all_ of her right side body parts. The sharp pain that accompanied his squeeze was almost as bad as the uncomfortable ache she felt between her legs.

The pained gasp turned out to be more effective than any words at waking Sam. She'd always admired that antiquated, otherwise extinct, chivalric quality he had about him.

His hand was abruptly yanked away and Sam shot up into a sitting position, eyes wide and ready.

The awareness quickly morphed into confusion. "Where am I?"

Rachel cleared her throat and pulled the covers up higher over her chest, covering what she'd just discovered was _his_ shirt. "In my bed." Rachel answered with a weak smile.

oooowooooo*ooorooooooo*

Monday morning dawned a lot brighter and a hell of a lot earlier than Sam's liking. Flopping over onto his back after shutting off his alarm, Sam threw his arm across his eyes and moaned dreadfully.

He'd dreamt about her. Soft dark brown hair and innocent brown eyes overflowing with daring and a hunger she wanted only him to fill. It had to be actual memories making their way to the surface, because the feelings and sensations that accompanied them were just too real.

He tried to recall the details, but as sleep fell further and further away, so did the clarity. He knew he'd had a good time. Hell, he was pretty certain it had been _beyond_ awesome. He just didn't know if she felt the same.

He didn't want to be some douche that only cared about only getting himself off. It didn't help that the only thing he remembered clearly, aside from her chucking his shirt at him the morning after and shooing him out, was that he'd hurt her. He knew she'd been a virgin. He'd technically been one of those himself. But he wasn't the one with a freshness seal to be punctured the first time around.

He could only pray that he'd made it up to her for hurting her like that.

ooonoooooo*oooxooooozoooo*

"Hey, Artie! Wait up!" Sam called out, jogging as quickly as his pounding head would allow. Artie pulled out of the flow of traffic and put on the brakes to wait for Sam to catch up. "It's cool if I crashed on your couch Saturday night, right?"

"What?" Artie drawled out, scrutinizing Sam with an "are you whacked" expression. Sam slanted his glasses down his nose to look at Artie with an air of desperation. "Oh." Artie uttered as realization dawned. "Dude, it's _way_ too early to be freaking with my mind like that. Especially after that party. It was off the hook."

"I had to give my parents something. They were seriously pissed when I didn't come home Saturday night." Sam explained, shoving a hand through his hair.

"You dawg!" Artie exclaimed, shoving out at Sam's arm with one hand, throwing Sam off-balance a step. Sam made a motion for him to keep it down. "You totally got some, didn't you?" Sam nodded his head affirmatively. "Told you Santana would give it up a lot faster than Quinn."

"Yeah." Sam agreed in a flat tone, not meeting Artie's eye as he slid his sunglasses back into place. He was counting on the fact that Artie had left with the first group consisting of Finn, Brittany, Mercedes and Quinn. Santana, Lauren, Puck, Mike and Tina had been poured into Kurt's SUV about an hour after Finn's group and taken home via the Blaine and Kurt express.

No one would ever guess that he'd never left the party, and it'd been Rachel that'd kept him warm that cold February night, probably pushing him to limits he was glad he was conditioned to enduring.

"Don't worry, dawg. _Totally_ got your back." Artie said reassuringly, holding up a fist to bump as Brittany and Quinn joined their group.

oooaooooo*ooxoooooo*ooooooozoooo*

Tuesday morning, and Rachel was still feeling the effects of her Saturday night bash. It certainly didn't help that Mother Nature had started conspiring against her as well on her way to school that morning.

"Hey, Rachel. Can we talk?" Sam asked, appearing next to her as she organized her locker. "Did you know it's not very easy to catch you alone? I've been looking for a chance to talk to you since yesterday."

"Was there something else you wanted to ask me besides comment on my busy schedule?" Rachel asked neutrally, continuing with her locker inspection. "I'm assuming this has something to do with what happened after my party Saturday."

"Yeah." Sam uttered in flustered tone, staring down at his shoes. He then clenched his jaw and looked up at her sharply. "Did I make you feel good?" Sam blurted out, his cheeks promptly turning a deep shade of red.

Rachel's mouth gaped as she struggled to form a response.

Sam rushed on nervously before she could pull anything together. "It's just...I don't remember much from that night, I mean, before waking up next to you and being kicked out. All I've got is this one memory, right after we just...I mean, I..." at this, Sam shifted uncomfortably and rocked forward on the balls of his feet. He then let the thought trail off into nothingness. "I remember your face and it looked like you were in a lot of pain. I asked you if it'd be better if I just stopped and pulled out. I can't even remember what you said back to me." Sam finished in a frustrated tone, brushing his hair back from his forehead.

"Sam," Rachel murmured soothingly, a small smile gracing her lips. He met her eyes hopefully. "You made me feel _very_ good. Both times."

"Both...?" Sam trailed off in wonderment. "Now I'm _really_ disappointed I don't remember."

Rachel giggled, unbidden, at his adorable crestfallen expression.

The blood then quickly drained from his face. "Did I...I mean we...were we..._safe_?"

The light left her eyes and Rachel's gaze dropped to the books still clutched tightly in her arms.

"No." Rachel answered shortly. She then rushed on at the wilting direction Sam's posture had taken. "But it's alright. I just...I mean, I started..." At this, her voice lowered so much that Sam almost didn't hear her next words. "I started my period this morning."

"Oh." Sam uttered, looking a little green at the news. "That's good, I guess."

"Yeah." Rachel agreed weakly, a wan smile on her lips.

"It's just...it was supposed to be my job to use protection. My dad taught me that, and it was irresponsible of me to overlook that, just because I was drunk. I should have been looking out for us, Rae, and I blew it. I'm really sorry." Sam said apologetically, an anger in his voice that was directed inward laced every word.

"I..." Rachel stuttered, fumbling for words. "That was really nice of you to say, and I accept your apology, though it's completely unnecessary. I am just as much at fault as you." Rachel finished demurely. She then ducked her head shyly and turned to put the finishing touches on her locker.

"What?" Sam asked, a crooked smile pulling at his lips, wondering what she was thinking.

"It's nothing." Rachel waved off, shutting her locker. "It's just...you called me Rae."

"Oh. Sorry." Sam apologized. "It just slipped out."

"It's fine." Rachel waved off again in an unworried tone. She turned to face him with a notebook and an Advanced Physics textbook clutched to her chest. "No one's ever given me a nickname before. I don't mind. It's just...for the sake of your reputation, you probably shouldn't call me that when other people are around." Rachel then smiled sadly in parting, turning and walking away from him.

"Hey, Rae." Sam called out at her retreating back. Rachel glanced over her shoulder curiously. "How about when no one else is around?"

A bright genuine smile lit up her face. "I'd really like that."

oooocooooo*ooovoooooooo*ooonoooooo

His chin slid off the fist he'd been leaning on when the memories came rushing back to him. Puck glanced over at him with a curious amused expression before turning his gaze back to Mr. Schu as he lectured about something in Spanish.

Sam had more pressing concerns.

He could now remember the boisterous, unrestrained laughter that escaped her when he almost crushed her as he was trying to show off and carry her up the stairs to her bedroom.

He remembers the texture of Rachel's gauzy dress as he bunched it up in his fist, easing her underwear down her legs with the other.

He remembers the fascination that pulled his eyes to her chest as she tugged at the dress's zipper and yanked the dress up and over her head, tossing it carelessly to the floor and laying back against the mattress, watching her as she reached up and threaded her fingers through his hair at the base of his scalp, sending fissures of pleasure down his spine as she yanked his face down to hers.

He remembers the eager anticipation that had coursed through his veins when she'd given him permission to touch her and kiss her. In the place he'd just pulled her panties from.

Quinn...they'd never gotten anywhere close to third base in their relationship. Hell, he considered himself lucky that he'd gotten to first base. Lots of ice baths.

Santana...well, she'd let him touch her boobs when they made out. She was even willing to go further. Call him old-fashioned, but he didn't sleep with a girl he'd only just started dating. Plus, she intimidated the hell out of him. She probably would have laughed in his face if he'd tried to suggest letting his inexperienced lips anywhere near her lady parts.

But Rachel...Rachel was different. A _good_ different. Finn was wrong about her and for her. When he'd hesitantly asked her consent, she'd nodded encouragingly and opened her legs slightly, her eyes darting away from his just as shyly.

She didn't ridicule him when he murmured small endearments in her ear in Na'vi.

She took the hand he didn't have clutching her right hip and held on tightly, threading her fingers through his as he entered her as gently as he possibly could.

She let him bring their joined hands to her face to use the pad of his thumb to wipe away the few tears that leaked down her face as her body adjusted to his intrusion.

She leaned in and accepted his gentle butterfly kisses as he attempted to distract her from the pain he wished more than anything he could take away from her.

Her smile and hesitant shift of her hips when the pain began to recede and was ready for him to move.

The feel of her hand clenching around his, their linked hands stretched up over their heads, sometimes sliding off the bed due to their being at an angle across the bed.

The bright expression of wonder and amazement when her second orgasm hit her, her eyes never leaving his, watching his face raptly until he followed her into oblivion a few erratic thrusts later.

Her warm smile as she gently pushed a few strands of his sweaty hair out of his eyes and reached up with her lips to press an affectionate kiss to his lips when it was all over.

She fell asleep stretched out across his chest, one arm wound around and under his left shoulder, the other hand resting over his heart. He discovered the tattoo of two dainty musical notes on her left shoulder.

She woke him up a few hours later, biting her lip in concentration as her right hand stroked him into attention.

He remembers surging up to reclaim that lip, coaxing it into submission between his own.

He remembers letting her push him onto his back, watching as she rose up to straddle him, transfixed at the sight of her positioning herself on his member before his eyes rolled back into his head as she took him in to the hilt and rode him.

He remembers kneading her right breast, sitting up so he could latch onto the other with his lips and teeth. Hearing her musical screams and hypnotic gasps of ecstasy when he hugged her and switched their positions, watching her avidly as he reached between them and fumbled to find her pleasure nub. Smiling victoriously when he succeeded and she racked her nails down his back as she arched off the bed, her chest curving up sensuously to his as she climaxed around him for the third time.

His smile faltering when she flipped them back over and pulled away, sliding down his body. The way his toes curled and his hands fisted into the sheets when she introduced him to her no gag reflex.

Feeling shamefaced when he came in her mouth, despite his warnings to her beforehand. His own expression of wonderment when she swallowed and swiped the back of her hand across her smirking mouth.

Standing on shaky limbs and retrieving a wet washcloth to clean off the after-affects of their lovemaking. Collapsing next to her and spreading her legs enough for him to gently wipe the dried blood and semen from the apex of her thighs. Handing the cloth off and stretching out on his back as she folded the cloth to a clean side and carefully repeated a similar act on him, being as thorough as you would expect a drunk Rachel Berry to still be.

Crawling up the bed and pulling the covers back enough for them to slide under, curving his body protectively around Rachel's as she reached down and straightened the covers over their cooling bodies. Missing her heat when she leans over the bed to snatch up his shirt from where he'd discarded it on the floor. Smiling with some sort of caveman pride when she wiggles her arms and head through the appropriate holes and snuggles back into his embrace. Snaking his hand up under her impromptu sleep-shirt to rest his hand over her belly.

She smelled like pomegranate, citrus, and a mixture of their commingled sweat. Falling to sleep with his nose in her hair and her hand reaching under the shirt to lead his hand clasped in hers up closer to her chest.

His final thought being how glad he was that he'd offered to stay and help her clean up the mess everyone else hadn't thought twice of leaving behind.

"Yo, Sam!" Puck snapped cheerfully, if mildly irritated. Gesturing to the empty classroom, he continued. "I don't want to know what you were thinking about, especially if it was about that "love fest" you had with "Santana" Saturday night, but class is over." Puck placed quotations and emphasis on two very important words. Almost like he didn't believe the "truth" Artie had no doubt already shared with Puck. Puck was sneaky scary and knew practically everything about everyone. Sam was more than a little afraid of Puck, despite the rumor going around that Zizes had effectively neutered the former badass. To Sam, there was no "former" about it.

Puck closed in on Sam, leaning in threateningly, his voice low and deadly. "I'm only gonna tell you this once. Hurt "Santana" and I'll break both your legs." At Sam's careful acknowledging nod, Puck stood up straight and smiled good-naturedly. "The warning bell for lunch is about to ring. I've gotta go catch up to Zizes before she steals all the tater tots and french fries."

Sam leaned back in his chair and stared in a bewildered trance at the two words on the dry-erase board until the lunch warning bell rang.

"_Genuino_. Honest." Sam murmured to himself as he passed the board on his way out of the room.

Did such a concept exist in _any_ high school relationship?

A private smile tugged at his lips as he hitched his backpack higher onto his shoulder. It probably could if it were him and Rachel.

He had quite an afternoon ahead of him. Breaking up with a girl like Santana was never easy. Fortunately, he had some experience breaking up with bitchy ex-cheerleaders.

It was a good thing he had a girl like Rachel Berry to look forward to, and he knew just how to convince her that he'd be just as good for her.

ooozoooo*ooocoooooo*ooomooooooo

A few hours, a visit to the nurse, and the hot water tap in the guy's locker room shower, and Sam waited patiently for Rachel to enter the room and choose a seat. Knowing that Rachel would never miss a glee rehearsal, short of family emergency or near-death experience...or some combination of the two, Sam willed his foot to stop jiggling nervously as the minutes ticked by and no Rachel.

His breath exhaled in a whoosh as Rachel walked in right as the bell rang, her steps not quite as confident and sure as she took a seat in the back row, two seats away from him. He was sure he was the only one who knew why Rachel wasn't quite 100 percent. Well, except for maybe Puck, but what was the Zizes-obsessed badass honestly going to do with the information but deny it? Subtly, Sam stood and edged his way down the row until he was next to Rachel. Taking the seat next to her, he smiled the most disarming smile in his arsenal and greeted her with a hushed, sympathetic, "How are you feeling?"

Wrapping her hands around her midsection, she quietly groaned pitifully. "Much worse. I feel terrible." Rachel admitted, trusting he'd hold her confidence.

"I brought something for you. I snatched it from the nurse's office." Sam whispered in a clandestine tone, waggling his eyebrows enticingly before unzipping his backpack and pulling it into his lap. Looking around the room to be sure no one was paying attention, he retrieved a small hot water bottle from its depths. Motioning her forward in her seat, he eased the freshly filled bottle between her lower back and the chair. "My mom does this all the time when they get really bad. It doesn't make any sense to me, but she says it really helps."

He smelled like spearmint and Axe Excite as he leaned in to explain why he had a hot water bottle in his backpack. Like he'd just taken a shower before coming to rehearsal. A lot more intense than the subdued version she'd inhaled as she'd drifted off to sleep in his shirt less than half a week earlier.

She smiled up at him warmly, her features already less pinched. "Thank you, Sam."

He reached across the space separating them and took her hand, brushing his thumb across her knuckles reverently as he held her gaze. "Not a problem, Rae."

oooovoooooo*ooouooooo*ooowoooxooo

You all know I just had to sneak at least one Na'vi endearment in there! _Lor 'aw_ translates to "my beautiful one" (well, according to the English to Na'vi translator Navilator anyway). This story grew way out of control! I almost couldn't keep up with the ideas that kept sprouting up in my head, listening to "We Are Young" on repeat the whole time. It was crazy bizarre. It's kind of sad, (but yet, very invigorating and refreshing that it can still happen) that I haven't felt this inspired in a long time. Thank my muse, for she just wouldn't leave the idea alone until Rachel and Sam were on the way to a long beautiful relationship with no distractions, like annoying possessive girlfriends or jerk boyfriends. And following true to the nature of most great EvanBerry stories, contained a protective, yet platonic Puck looking out for his hot little Jewish-American Princess, lol!


	2. Chapter 2

Author's note: Due to popular demand, I've decided to continue this. It'll probably never compete with Protecting Berry, but I do have a few ideas swirling around in my mind for Sam and Rachel. Chapters will be considerably smaller than the first initial chapter, so hopefully the quality will make up for the quantity, lol! They should flow pretty well, time wise, but sometimes there may be unexplained shifts and they're just random/general ideas I decided to add. The first scene in this chapter takes place a few days after the end of the last chapter. (Side note: every time I listen to the song listed below, I picture Sam singing this song.)

Music suggestions: 'Love me love me' by Big Time Rush.

Disclaimer: Don't own Glee.

2-Blame It On The Dysfunctional Relationships

Sam was pretty sure he'd never looked more forward to a glee rehearsal than he did that Friday after Rachel's life changing party.

He was going to ask Rachel Berry out on a date.

He'd broken up with Santana. He'd waited a few days after that epic disaster, just to make sure he was in the clear. He felt, however, that he might explode if he held off any longer taking the next step in making Rachel Berry his.

Once again, nervousness ate away at his insides, manifesting outwardly in his jiggling left foot and twiddling thumbs resting in his lap. Otherwise he appeared uncaring and uninterested from his seat in the back row. Aside from his head jerking up and his eyes shifting to the door every time he heard footsteps entering the room.

What was it about Rachel being nearly late every day this week? At this rate, he was either going to have an ulcer or have some kind of heart attack before he ever even graduated high school.

He'd just draped his right arm over the back of the chair beside him when Rachel strode through the open door into the classroom. The tension running through his body loosened minutely as Rachel ascended the steps and gracefully eased her way over to him. He mentally patted himself on the back for his perfect timing when Rachel took the seat next to him, her body angled towards his. If he wanted, he could reach out and stroke his fingers down her bare arm.

Would she shiver in delight if he did? Like she did last Saturday when he traced his fingertips around the tiny musical notes on her back?

"Hello, Sam." Rachel greeted warmly, smiling at him with a friendly smile.

He decided to not beat around the bush and just dive straight in.

"Would you like to go out with me sometime? Like on a date." Sam asked, adding on clarification just to be sure she knew what he was asking.

"Really?" Rachel asked in return, a mixture of hope and trepidation crossing her features, the smile wavering. "But aren't you dating Santana?"

"You didn't hear? I broke up with her." Sam supplied, a cheerful grin lighting up his face.

"Wow. No offense or anything, but I don't know if I should date a man with that kind of relationship turnover rate." Rachel commented briskly, frowning disapprovingly.

"So you're saying that I should have stayed with Santana for an appropriate amount of time before breaking up with her, even though she makes me miserable and doesn't like my interest in Avatar?" Sam asked, a frown of his own forming. Had he misread all the signals this week?

"Well, no, I wouldn't say that." Rachel said in a placating tone, attempting to backtrack. "It's just, I don't want you to think that because we had..._relations_ that I'm like that all the time. I'm not going to be...a less possessive, less violent, _looser_ version of Santana."

"So you're saying that you think all I want is to get laid, and I think you'd be easier?" Sam asked, perhaps even more insulted. This was not going at all to plan. "No offense, but I've known you for a few months now. If all I wanted was sex, I'd have stayed with Santana."

"Okay, I apologize. You're right." Rachel relented, accepting his cutting words. It'd never been a secret to her that she was difficult to get along with. "I shouldn't have insulted your moral integrity in such a manner. It's just...wouldn't you like to take a break from all the drama? Be single for awhile? I'm on an entirely different level of high maintenance when it comes to being a girlfriend. This conversation being evidence to that."

"Look, Rachel, I get that you're smarter than me and I'm probably not going to understand all the words that come out of your mouth. And I don't want you to be easier than Quinn or Santana, in any sense." His next words were behind his hand and whispered in a barely audible level. "And I don't want you _just_ because you're good in bed." At this, Rachel bit back a smile. "We've both been in relationships that burned us really, really bad. I've been thinking about this, and I think that we could both be good for each other. Not to make anyone jealous or rebound off of, but because all either of us wants is some stability. Along with a little attraction, of course."

"Do you ever talk this much in anyone else's presence?" Rachel asked after he'd finished speaking. "I have to say, I feel very flattered, both by your speech as well as the duration."

Sam smiled a crooked smile of amusement as he leaned back in his chair and shrugged. "So...what do you say?"

"I'd love to." Rachel answered simply, ducking her head to hide her smile.

ooovoooooo*ooowoooooo*ooozooocoooo*

"Do you ever think about the Rocky Horror show we put on a few months back?" Rachel asked out of the blue, curled up under Sam's arm on her living room couch.

"Not really. Sometimes I have nightmares about those tight gold shorts." Sam replied, shuddering in remembered fear.

"I know they must have made you very uncomfortable." Rachel said in a complacent tone, patting his chest sympathetically. "But I didn't."

"Didn't what?" Sam asked curiously, looking down at her.

"Have nightmares about you in those shorts. Those tiny, golden, shorts...simply abulous..." Rachel trailed off with a dreamy expression, her voice dropping a few octaves at the end.

An amused smile tugged at Sam's lips but he didn't comment. Rachel then cleared her throat loudly.

"Anyway...I've always wanted to tell you that I was a little disappointed when Mr. Schuester cut the "Touch Me" scene from the final performance. It would have been a wonderful addition to my severely lacking sexually related acting experiences." Rachel said after a moment.

"Truth?" Sam asked. Rachel nodded her head. "I got a boner seeing you in your underwear. I was really looking forward to that scene, too. For the acting experience, of course."

"Oh, of course." Rachel agreed dryly, her tone amused. "I did, however, have bad dreams about having to perform that scene with Mr. Schuester. He is very attractive for someone his age and I did harbor a crush on him for a week or so back in my sophomore year, but the idea of rubbing up on a man ten years my senior singing "Touch Me" is extremely awkward and uncomfortable to consider."

"Wait. You had the hots for Mr. Schu?" Sam asked in a disbelieving tone, pushing Rachel back enough to look into her eyes.

"I was lonely and he had quite a few of my preferred qualities when considering a man to date." Rachel sniffed, raising her nose in the air defensibly. "And he has a very lovely singing voice that can keep up with me vocally."

"What about me? How well do I match up on your list?" Sam asked, uncertainty in his tone. "Hopefully higher than Mr. Schu."

"Way better than Mr. Schuester." Rachel agreed, patting his chest reassuringly. "Definitely at the top of the pack. Everything I ever wanted in a man."

"Good." Sam grumbled, causing Rachel to laugh out loud.

"I was going to ask you," Rachel said, her tone still full of mirth, "Would you still like to act out that scene with me? I have the music on CD in my bedroom."

"All I have to do is stand there and look good, right?" Sam asked in a teasing manner, pulling Rachel to her feet alongside him. She shook her head at his tone but answered affirmatively. "Then sure. I'll let you sing and dance around me while I stand there in my boxer briefs. Let's go."

oooozooooo*ooowooooo*ooouooooo*

So...what'd you think? Most of the chapters will be "T" rated, but a scene here and there might have some suggestive themes that go along with the "M" rating of the first chapter. And this is going to sound like I'm fishing, but if you have any suggestions, I'm always glad to take them into consideration.


	3. Chapter 3

Author's note: I could _not_ hold myself back from writing this particular chapter. It's based on a dream I had this weekend. I don't really go for blonds, so when I have a dream about one...especially one about Chord Overstreet involving chocolate sauce and whipped cream...I remember it! Let's just say that this chapter wears an "M" rating proudly. Enjoy!

Music suggestions: 'In my head' by Jason Derulo, 'Baby' by Glee Cast.

Disclaimer: Don't own Glee.

3-Blame It On The Dysfunctional Relationships

"I got your text asking me to drop by after practice." Sam stated as he entered Rachel's room, his eyes cast down towards his phone. He reached out with his Converse clad foot to nudge the door shut. "What's..." His question came up short when he pocketed his phone and looked up. "...up?"

Did he mention the reason for his pause? Oh yeah, his girlfriend was laying on a plastic sheet and naked, a few strategically placed dessert toppings the only things covering her.

"It's a surprise. For you." Rachel replied from her place on the bed, her head turning slightly to project a beaming smile his way. "I was hoping you'd get here soon. Before everything started melting."

"Melting?" Sam asked, his question coming out an octave too high.

"Yes, Sam!" Rachel answered in an excited tone, clearly pleased with whatever she was about to tell him. "I remembered that conversation we had about our favorite ice creams on our first date a few weeks back and that Cold Stone was a little too expensive for you to visit lately. So...I took it upon myself to make a trip there yesterday to buy some for you. I bought your favorite toppings separate, for obvious reasons. I thought, "Why not be a little creative?". Besides, I've always wanted to try out the human buffet concept at least once in my life. Why not with you?"

"Wow." Sam uttered in a state of shock, unable to stop staring at Rachel's boobs, each nipple currently topped with a thinly sliced strawberry in a fanned out design, a dot of chocolate sauce, and a circular frame of whipped cream.

His gaze drifted down her body as he crossed the room, closing the distance between them. As he approached, he noticed a line of chocolate sauce stretching out from between her breasts to her navel, ending at an array of thin slices of bananas and strawberries circling her belly button, with her actual belly button filled with a shot of whipped cream.

"Usually, from what I've read, it's best to start from the top and work your way down." Rachel explained primly, absorbing his stare in an unaffected fashion. "But...I didn't know where else to put the ice cream and from what you already know...it's pretty hot down there. Especially with the way you're looking at me right now. So I think maybe you should begin...down there."

Sam's gaze moved past her navel and noticed the strategically positioned scoop of ice cream right at the apex of her legs, of which was already forming rivulets of white, dripping off into the unknown.

"Oh, I almost forgot!" Rachel exclaimed, a hand shooting out. "I went to the salon today and had everything down there completely waxed off. So you don't have to worry about any stray hairs being caught in your ice cream."

Sam reached over and behind his head to jerk his shirt up and off before climbing up onto the bed after she finished talking. Eagerly, he moved in to settle between Rachel's legs, Rachel giggling in delight when he nipped playfully at her inner thigh. He'd just taken his first swipe, the taste of cake batter and Rachel's unique taste like heaven in his mouth, when a familiar voice echoed off the walls. A voice that shouldn't be there.

"Sam! Sam, are you listening...?" Mr. Schuester asked, his face swimming into focus as Sam blinked rapidly and turned his face away from Rachel and towards the voice. The daydream suddenly dissolved around the edges.

A flush crept up his neck as he realized that the whole class was staring at him, including Mr. Schu, who was currently standing directly in front of him with a disapproving frown on his face. When his eyes swept over Rachel again, she was staring at him with a mixture of amusement and crossness.

A sheepish expression stole across his features and the flush spread up to his ears, the tops burning a bright red. He'd been having a sexual fantasy about Rachel in the middle of freaking glee rehearsal. He shifted in his seat uncomfortably. "Sorry, Mr. Schu. I didn't sleep much last night. My sister has the flu."

"I'm sorry to hear that, Sam." Mr. Schuester said, an ounce of sympathy entering his countenance and tone. "But please try to pay better attention. And maybe try and get some extra sleep tonight?"

"Sure, Mr. Schu." Sam answered automatically, ducking his gaze towards the floor.

One by one, the stares of his teammates turned away as Mr. Schuester picked back up on his lecture. Rachel's gaze was the last to turn. She knew he wasn't lying, he'd told her about his sister this morning when she texted him good morning before school. He also knew she knew that that wasn't the whole story.

She'd offered to let him stay over in her spare guest room until his sister got better. He even got her dads' approval. And he shouldn't have been as embarrassed as he was if he'd just zoned out for a few. She probably had a pretty clear idea of what had been going on in his head, just not the specifics.

Rachel was really sacrificing a lot, letting him live in such close proximity to her after he'd been exposed to Stacie's germs. He could come down with the flu and pass it on to Rachel. But she cared about him, and wanted to help him out for a couple of days. A girl like that didn't enter your life that often. He was looking forward to repaying her kindness when her dads went out for their weekly date night later that night after practice.

"Hey Sam, don't worry about it. It's cool." Puck stage whispered to Sam, who was seated right next to him. "Rachel has that effect on every man at some point. It's like she can sense when you're weak or something. And when she does...it's like "Bam!". I'll tell you what. Last year when I had strep, I had this really sick fantasy where she..."

"Shut it, Puckerman!" Rachel snapped, spinning around and directing a lethal glare at the boy in question. She then rotated back around in her seat, an apologetic, innocent expression seated on her face at the reappearance of Mr. Schuester's disapproving frown.

Puck leaned in, in a clandestine manner. Sam unconsciously leaned in as well to listen. "Maybe some other time...Gaaaah!" Puck suddenly startled quietly, both boys reflexively recoiling back when Rachel directed a deadly glare and a Jewish cursing gesture over her shoulder.

Puck punched Sam's arm good-naturedly a few moments later, a proud expression lighting up his features. "I taught her that one."

Sam rolled his eyes and tried really hard to take Mr. Schu's advice to heart as he focused in on the lecture.

ooooooosooo*ooooooowooo*ooooxoooooo

So...did you figure out that it was a fantasy before I pointed it out? I was originally going to make it as something that they actually do, but this is the way it decided to play out in my mind. Totally unrelated...while Cold Stone's cake batter ice cream may be pretty f-ing awesome, my personal favorite is their oreo creme filling ice cream. Oh. My. God! I can't get enough of that stuff! But, the cake batter is the flavor my subconscious chose, so there it is, lol! Anyway.


	4. Chapter 4

Author's note: Here are a few flashback scenes from Rachel's party. I've always liked reading as well as writing reflective scenes. I guess because you get some perspective as well. This here is mostly memories. Anyway...enjoy!

Music suggestions: 'Like a G6' by Far East Movement, The Cataracs, & Dev; 'Better than revenge', 'Sparks fly', and 'Enchanted' by Taylor Swift.

Disclaimer: Don't own Glee.

4-Blame It On The Dysfunctional Relationships

_Rachel waved enthusiastically from her front stoop as Kurt backed his loaded SUV out of her driveway and drove away. Once he turned the corner and was out of sight, Rachel dropped her hand and headed back inside. The party was now officially over._

_Shutting the front door behind her, Rachel carefully picked her way back to the trashed basement, steering a wide berth around anything breakable. Descending the stairs towards the music thumping the walls at a more moderate level, she rounded the corner to find Sam with a trash bag already in hand, bent over to sweep the littered contents off a coffee table._

_It was funny, how she'd never really noticed the way Sam's backside looked in a pair of jeans before._

_Sure, Rachel had pegged his voice as spectacular pretty much from the moment he'd opened his mouth. Any man with a mouth that awesome had to be carrying a set of matching caliber vocal chords. As for the rest of his appearance, she'd applied a very generalized attractiveness, because she _did_ have eyes and could see that he held a certain appeal...if you didn't have issues with your own attractiveness quotient. She knew well enough that they were each on opposite sides of the spectrum, and he was on the _very_ good looking side of that spectrum._

_And, at the time, Finn could do no wrong in her eyes._

_However, she'd discovered that Finn could, in fact, break her heart multiple times, tonight being added to that ever-expanding list. And presently...she was taking a specific interest in Sam's anatomy. _

_A very lingering, appraising, interest._

_Continuing to stare, her head tilted appreciatively to one side as he stood to his full height with a wine cooler in hand, she watched as he sniffed the open bottle cautiously, shrugged, and downed the remaining contents in two gulps before adding it to the bag and continuing on._

_Shaking her head to clear the fuzziness that had built up with her immobility and wondering thoughts, Rachel descended the remaining steps and entered the room. "How did you even know where those were?" Rachel asked, the question blurted out unfiltered as she pointed her whole arm towards the bag in his hands._

_Sam paused and turned to look at her when he heard her voice. He then gestured to the island. "They were on the shelf next to the fridge. I saw them earlier while I was searching out another wine cooler for Santana."_

"_Oh." Rachel uttered cheerfully, moving cautiously towards the couch. Turning her back to it, she fell onto the cushions and exhaled dramatically. She then smiled genteelly and patted the seat beside her. "Sit down with me for a minute, Sam."_

"_Okay..." Sam complied slowly, carefully placing the bag in his hand on the floor before crashing on the opposite end of the couch from Rachel._

"_Come closer, Sam." Rachel commanded coaxingly, gesturing with her hands in a 'tugging a rope' fashion. "Don't believe anything Santana may have told you. I don't bite. Or steal gold. Or steal anyone's soul while they're sleeping." Rachel remarked in a dry fashion as if she were reading off of a list, wry humor in her eyes._

_Warily, Sam defied all of Santana's warnings – she had, in fact, warned him of all three, along with a few others that not even _he_ was dumb enough to believe – and edged towards the middle of the square couch, until only a couple of inches separated them._

"_There. That's better." Rachel praised him, reaching a hand out and patting his biceps drunkenly. "I'm not so bad. I can throw an awesome party. Regardless of how uptight people say I am."_

"_Yeah." Sam agreed stupidly, unsure of what to say in response without getting whacked. Rachel appeared to be one of those touchy-feely kind of drunks, and he didn't want to take any chances._

_At that moment, a Taylor Swift song cued up on Rachel's music player._

"_...Now go stand in the corner, and think about what you did..."_ _Rachel spoke/sang in an punishing tone, pointing to the far corner of the room. She then turned to face Sam with a happy expression, began to clap happily, and bounce in her seat. "I love this song! It's one of my favorites!" Rachel enthused excitedly. "Her newest album is, in my opinion, her best to date. It's so much more mature, and the lyrics and instrumentals seem to express her emotions much more accurately than her previous. Sure, they're mostly about bitter breakups and clandestine affairs, as usual, but..." Rachel trailed off at Sam's blank expression. "You probably don't care at all and would rather I skip to the next song, don't you?"_

"_Nah, it's cool. She's not so bad." Sam answered with a shrug. "She's better than a lot of the others. I'd choose to listen to her over someone like Montana or Gomez anyday." Sam took one look at Rachel's comically widened eyes and rushed on. "My sister, Stacie, is obsessed with all three." He raised up his arm and draped it across the back of the back of the couch as his body angled itself in Rachel's direction as he spoke._

"_So, does that mean that you're familiar with the words to most of Taylor's songs?" Rachel asked in a casual tone as she leaned forward slightly, a cunning glint in her eyes._

_The look went unnoticed by an unsuspecting Sam. He really should have heeded at least a few of those sage warnings by Santana._

"_I hear them in my sleep." Sam answered with a faint grimace._

_Rachel jerked her head in the direction of the stage and latched on to his hand. "C'mon. I have an idea."_

_oooouooooo*oooooaooooo*_

"_I don't know about this." Sam mumbled uncomfortably, staring at the rhinestone encrusted microphone with something akin to trepidation._

"_Oh, come on. It's just you and me here." Rachel pressured as she searched through her karaoke list. "Live a little."_

"_I thought I was doing enough of that by dating Santana." Sam grumbled with a frown, staring at his feet._

"_Santana's just an easy lay with airbags for breasts.– " Rachel countered in a distracted tone._

"_Whoa." Sam exclaimed in surprise as Rachel plowed on, as if the sentence that had just passed her lips wasn't completely atypical Rachel Berry._

"–_I'm talking about stepping out into the world of country karaoke and taking on the challenge of singing a strictly female vocals song and making it your own. I'll be co-singing, of course. You won't be able to do it all on your own, after all." Rachel finished in a rush. She then pumped her fist victoriously in the air. "Aha! I knew it was in here." She then glanced up from the machine to meet Sam's eyes with a challenge. "You ready for this, Bieber?"_

"_Bet your ass, Streisand." Sam returned in a sure tone after a deep, long-suffering sigh, pointing the microphone her way._

_Rachel pressed the play button and climbed up on the stage as the instrumentals for "Sparks Fly" began to play._

_oooooooeooo*ooocooooo_

Rachel pulled her thoughts back to the present and looked over at Sam, only to find him lost in thought as well, a reminiscent smile ghosting his lips. A smile tugging at her own lips, Rachel crossed the room and propped herself on the arm of the chair Sam had taken earlier to help her clean up after a party her dads had thrown for a few of their coworkers and favored customers.

"What are you thinking about?" Rachel questioned, smoothing her fingers over Sam's messy blond locks affectionately.

"You made me sing Taylor Swift." Sam remarked with a small shake of his head, turning his gaze up to hers. He reached up and tugged her off the chair arm and into his lap, eliciting a squeal of laughter from Rachel. She settled her arms over his shoulders and continued to stroke her fingers through his hair.

"You're only just now remembering that? It's been almost a month since then." Rachel commented, settling into a more comfortable position. It was eerie how close their thoughts had coincided. "I thought you performed it wonderfully. I think we should put something together for glee before the year is up."

"I seem to remember putting something else together from that night after singing with you." Sam tossed back, a smirk pulling at his lips as he waggled his eyebrows at her suggestively.

"That's right. Who _didn't _you make out with that night? You really should learn to show a little discretion, Sam." Rachel cautioned, her eyes twinkling with mirth.

"I'll show you 'a little discretion', Miss Perfect." Sam countered, surging forward and latching onto her lips, his arms locking around her to hold her in place.

oooxoooooo*oowoooooooooooo*

"_Sam, dance with me." Rachel simpered, dragging him off the stage as a slow song began to play. She hooked both arms over his shoulders and began to sway. _

"_Have I ever told you that you have amazing lips?" Rachel commented appraisingly after about a minute of silence as Sam held a relaxing Rachel and shuffled them back and forth to the slow song playing in the background, the high from singing ebbing away. "I think they're perfectly shaped. I've always wondered, though. Do they aid or hinder your ability as a kisser?" Rachel continued in a musing tone, staring at his lips with a way too serious expression._

"_I've never had any complaints before." Sam replied in a bragging tone, one corner of his mouth twitching upward. His gaze drifted to Rachel's mouth, and the atmosphere between them began to crackle with anticipation. Watching her kiss Blaine earlier had kind of turned him on. She'd looked like a pretty decent kisser on her own. "I never actually got a spin in that game earlier. Wanna pretend I just spun and landed on you? You could find out first hand."_

"_Why, Sam Evans...are you suggesting that we should kiss?" Rachel asked in a scandalized tone. Her serious expression then cracked into a full smile, and she softly answered the question herself. "I would love to."_

_His hand sliding around to cup the nape of her neck, the fingers of his other hand tightened on Rachel's waist as he ducked in and pressed his lips lightly onto hers._

_One of her hands braced her weight against his shoulder as her other sunk into Sam's hair on the left side of his head and pulled him closer, going up on her toes to meet him halfway. She bit his lower lip playfully, swallowing his small sound of surprise as she opened her mouth underneath his and deepened the kiss. Sam responded enthusiastically and eagerly reached out with his tongue on her next pause for air._

_A quiet mewl of pleasure escaped Rachel's lips as she met his questing tongue with a welcoming swipe of her own, accepting the sensual invitation – in the space between his mouth and hers as well as within the warm depths of her mouth._

_Finally pulling back, Rachel reached out one of her fingers and traced the outline of Sam's lips as she looked up at him with a happily relaxed smile. "You taste...like pink."_

_A roguish smile tugged at his lips, his arms loose around her hips. "So do you."_

_A frown formed on Rachel's countenance. "Why did we stop? That's the rules, right? Once the kiss ends..." Rachel finished, looking to her fingers to form a snap to signify finality. She then rotated her eyes back up to his. "Right?"_

"_Well...wait a minute." Sam countered, his thought processes moving sluggishly. "When we played earlier, you didn't stop kissing until someone said 'stop'. And far as I can tell..." Sam trailed off, looking and gesturing to the empty room. "I still haven't heard anyone tellin' us to stop. Have you?"_

"_I like the way you think." Rachel said, her tone puckish. "You're so smart." Rachel added, her tone switching to adoration._

"_Really?" Sam asked with a self-conscious smile, his hands moving to the small of her back as she stood back up on tip-toe._

"_Really." Rachel affirmed, her left hand fisting up a handful of his shirt. Her tone turned assertive. "Now kiss me again."_

_ooouooooo*oowooooooo_

First off, the way it works out in my mind, the first flashback was Rachel's, and all the following were Sam's. Whenever I originally started out with this story, I'd wanted to give more detail to the events leading up to Sam and Rachel sleeping together. But the first chapter I ended up posting was a monster all on its own, so I left most of them out. And now here we are! This isn't all of them either. There's more to come in future chapters! Also, what can I say about the music suggestions? I was on a Taylor Swift kick this weekend. I think that I like listening to more of the songs on her "Speak Now" album than any of her others. Along those lines, I was in one of my more OCD moods this week and broke down Sam and Rachel's karaoke session into a spreadsheet. Ironically, I didn't even have them singing in this chapter, but rather alluded to it. So, if you all would like, I could post (not the table) a full version Rachel and Sam's duet (lyrics and all) in a future chapter, if you want. Just let me know.


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